i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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