Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
