somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
