At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
