Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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