Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
We need to get me chipped asap
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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