I want to make a zoo with you.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
