I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
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