We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
