I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
