the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
