she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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