My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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