everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
