So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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