"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
