im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
