Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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