I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
