____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
