do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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