i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
