You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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