you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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