My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
