After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
