I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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