Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
