All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
