I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
