Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The uberlube is also flammable
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
