living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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