I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
