Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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