As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
