You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
