Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
