my shit smells like andre
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
