So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
