You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
