White coat. Heels.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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