i think my tv is drunk
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
