I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
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