Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
