I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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