Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
