Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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