he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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