And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i think my mom watched the whole time
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
