Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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