I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
where does the pee come out of this thing
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
